Saturday 6 December 2014

The Western church smorgasbord

Setting: Jesus, dressed as a waiter, talks to a new convert to Christianity.

Jesus: "Congratulations on becoming a Christian, sir; an excellent choice if I may say so! Are you ready to order your choice of church?"

New convert: "Yes, I think so. What have you got?"

Jesus: "Well, we have small friendly churches, standard churches, or you could go large and join a mega-church."

New convert: "I think I'll have a small friendly church please."

Jesus: "Now, what style of preacher would you like to go with that? We have pastors, ministers, priests, and bishops, and each is available as a wooly liberal, middle-of-the-road, or a Bible-thumper, and with or without women. We can also prepare them in anything from jeans to cassocks, to your taste."

New convert: “Well what I'd really like is a pastor who explains the Bible, but without too much thumping. I'm not sure about women, though. But I’d like mine with a jacket and trousers, but no tie."

Jesus: “No problem; we can do that, sir; if you decide about the women, just let me know. Now which sauce would you like? We have Evangelical, Catholic, Pentecostal and Middle-of-the-road - and these can come with or without the Spirit."

New convert: “I think I'll have Evangelical, and not too much Spirit, please."

Jesus: "And what kind of music would you like on the side? We have 19th century hymns accompanied by an organ, a gospel choir, a band with all the latest effects, or a choir in purple robes. May I commend the choir, which is particularly good today."

New convert: "A difficult choice. I’m sure the choir is excellent, but I think I'll have the band with a range of effects. But I don't like drums, so can you prepare the music without the drums?"

Jesus: "No problem, sir. And to drink? May I recommend the house Ribena, which will go well with your church, but we do have red wine if you prefer."

New convert: "Well, if you recommend the Ribena, I'll try that. I think that will be all, thank you."

Jesus: "So that will be a small friendly church, with a pastor who explains the Bible, but without too much thumping, in a jacket and trousers but no tie, Evangelical sauce but not too much Spirit, the band with effects but no drums, and the house Ribena. That's an excellent choice, if I may say so, sir." [For all well-trained waiters say your order is ‘an excellent choice’.]

Is this really how we are to think about choosing a church?

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