Do you trust yourself?

Trust comes from repeated experience. The more times we experience someone else following through on their promises, etc., the more we come to trust them. Equally, when we experience them not doing what they said they would do, trust quickly evaporates.

Has it ever occurred to you that this applies to yourself? I don't mean how others see you, but it applies in how you see yourself!

Think of all those times you have said to yourself "I'll do that tomorrow" but not done it, or "I really am going to cut down on eating junk food" but not followed through. Well if you heard someone else coming out with all these fine sounding but empty promises, would you trust them over such matters? Me neither!

So it's not very surprising if we end up not trusting ourselves...

At the very same moment as we are saying "I'll do that tomorrow", there is another, quieter, voice in our head saying something like "that'll never happen", or "who do you think you are kidding?". And very soon we don't believe a word we say. Empty words, empty promises, from an untrustworthy character - the person in the mirror! You may fool others some of the time, but will you really fool yourself?

So, along with losing trust in oneself, self-esteem also goes out of the window. You look at yourself and see a person whose word means nothing. No-one else believes you, and you don't even believe yourself.

Do you know how to regain trust in yourself?

Trust grows, albeit slowly, from repeated experience that someone is trustworthy. So, if you were to follow through on something you said you'd do, that is the beginning. Hence it is much better for us to say we'll do something really small and achieve it, than to say we'll do something much more significant and fail to reach it. For example, it's better to decide to do 2 hours work today and achieve that, than to say we'll do 8 hours work but only manage 6 hours. The first builds trust, as we followed through on what we'd said we'd do; the latter destroys trust as we didn't achieve what we said ... despite actually having done more work!

Of course, if doing just 2 hours work isn't really a challenge, then the trust built is very small; a promise fulfilled, but not a promise of very much.

But if your self-esteem is low and you don't believe much that you say, then starting with really small steps makes sense. And if you are not really intending to follow through (however good an idea it might be) then it's much better not to say you'll do it in the first place.

But this involves a ruthless commitment to honesty. Say what you are doing to do; don't say what you are not going to do!

And gradually you will come to trust the speaker - yourself. And so will others, as, in time you are seen to be a person of your word, who says what they mean, and means what they say.

Not salvation, but still a useful turn around!

Who sets the agenda?

I learnt many years ago that the most powerful person in a committee is not the necessarily the person in the Chair, but the one who sets the agenda - the selection of topics for discussion sets the boundaries within which you work.

So when Christians gather in church, they may say a creed, summarising their Christian beliefs, and in the sermon the word is preached - and all assent to their shared faith.

But what happens if you start with an individual's lived experience and let them set the agenda? We find one who is still overwhelmed by hurt from a past abusive relationship, another whose thoughts day and night are consumed by worry for a wayward child, and another who is busy working out how they can afford that house they have their eye on.

It's not that the same people in church saying the creed are deceitful; nor that in their daily lives they are heedless of God. But if there is no space for the church members to set the agenda and air their real and uppermost concerns, there is a disconnect between church and the rest of life! This isn't the fault of the ordinary church members; it's the responsibility of a church leadership who never dare let go of the agenda.

When and how in church do the church members have the opportunity to set the agenda, to talk about what is actually uppermost in their mind?

Of course, a church service isn't a therapy group where each person may talk about what is troubling them. And I trust that they do find in their meeting with God that their personal needs are heard, understood and met.

But the more strongly a church sets an agenda, a 'party line', the less people will feel free to be themselves, to bring their real needs, and the more people will present a false and acceptable front. In practice this means:

• the more structured the church is, the less the chaotic experience of people's everyday lives can be shared
• the more church is based on 'experience', the less people's honest questions can be spoken
• the more intellectually rigorous the church is, the less people's up and down experience will be voiced
• the more that questions have a clear and definite answer, the less room there is for our real doubts to surface

and the more people will present a false and 'acceptable' front at church.

Ultimately, keeping tight control of the agenda leads to boredom and falsity; but it also leads to an even more serious problem - it excludes people who are seeking:

• If your church appears to be full of 'respectable' people, how can those who know they are not respectable come in?
• If your church appears to be full of 'successful' people, how can those who feel a failure gain access?
• If your church appears to be full of people of strong faith, how can those with a faltering faith gain entrance?

How tragic if church is somewhere one cannot be honest (as if God is fooled!), and how tragic if those with messy lives, doubts and questions are kept out!

The more you want your church to be open to 'real' needy people, the more your church needs to reflect their experience - which probably means allowing for and accepting messy people with doubts, questions and plenty of real-life problems. Pretending these don't exist doesn't get rid of them; it merely shows that your God isn't as loving as you say.

Accepting each other's reality could sometimes lead to difficulty, disagreements and even the potential of conflict. But in the context of loving Christian relationships, it also leads to life!