On saying "no"

Do you remember all those times you said "yes" to some request for help, without really stopping and thinking about it much? And then later got annoyed that you were committed to doing this thing, or found yourself ending up being much too busy?

It is said that 'If you want something done, ask a busy person'. You know how there are some people who seem to be involved in lots of things, and others who don't seem to get involved at all? Well, if you are the former, this post is for you. Let's take a closer look at the thinking and motives that may be going on here.

As a Christian I should say 'yes'

Maybe you feel that as a Christian you should be helping out, even when you don't really feel like it? After all, this is about putting others' needs before our own, isn't it?

Well, God certainly calls us to work for him, and this may well include ways that aren't high on our personal list of preferences, or that involve real sacrificial service.  But this also means that there are things he does not call us to do.  This isn't simply to say that God calls us to do good and not evil (though that is true), but that there are good things he is not calling me to do - for he has different, individually tailored, work for each person who will follow him.

There are only 24 hours in a day, and they need to be used fully in the ways God has commanded - which includes his command to rest and to take time with him... We certainly can't do everything, and God doesn't call us to do so! So what is he calling us to do, and what is he calling others to do?

Somebody's got to do it

But if God has not called you to such work, why are you doing it?  It might be because you've got hooked by the notion that someone's got to do this thing, and if no-one else is, then it better be you.

But actually, it might be that God actually doesn't need that particular thing done, and so no-one doing it really is the best outcome. Alternatively, it may be that someone else should be getting off their backside to do what God has called them to.

So, it may also be that while you are doing these things that God hasn't called you to do, you are robbing someone else of that role which is theirs!  Perhaps they remain one of the people in the background because you are always there in front, getting in the way?

Moreover, if you are busy doing something you are not called to, then you are not getting on with what he has called you to ...

It would look bad if I said no / it would look good if I said yes

Umm. I thought that pride would turn up somewhere in this topic.

There's a real need

Does a need constitute a call? I think not. There are so many needs and we cannot possibly respond to them all. Some are easy to say 'no' to, as we clearly don't have the required skills or resources; but when we could do something, does that mean we are called?

So when we helpfully, or out of a sense of Christian duty, always say 'yes', then we are spending time not doing what God has called us to do. The devil is very keen to keep us busy doing all sorts of good things, just so long as they are not what God has called us to do.

Our thinking and motives for saying 'yes' or 'no' are always complex and mixed; pride and fear are bound to be in there somewhere. So perhaps, rather than simply saying "yes", or by starting from the point of considering whether the task needs to be done, we would do better to start by asking God, "Are you calling me to do this?"

Of course, the question arises: "How do I know what God is calling me to do?". The answer lies in a close and personal walk with Jesus - which will almost certainly be squeezed out if you are always saying 'yes' to everything else...

Decisions, decisions, decisions

A decision is a decision is a decision. Right?

Wrong! A decision is a whole process in itself and we often mistake an idea or an intention for a decision.

Making a decision is a surprisingly protracted process. It involves something like this:

1. Notice an idea - someone else's idea, or an idea of our own
2. Weigh the idea; is it a good idea? a bad idea?
3. If it's a good idea, is it a practical or impractical idea? [... so far we just have an idea...]
4. If it's a practical idea, consider who might enact it; is this idea something that someone might do, or that I might actually do?
5. Do I want to do it? [... now we have a 'good idea' that I'm interested in...]
6. If I want to do it, is it just a 'good idea' or something I actually intend to do? [... now the idea may become an intention, but it's still not yet a decision...]
7. If I intend to do this, when might I do it: sometime? soon? or now? [... now we may be getting close to a decision, though if the answer to this question is 'sometime' it's still just an intention...]
8. I will do it on Thursday. [... now we have a decision!]
9. I will do it on Thursday, in the time I have before I collect the kids from school. [... and now we have a decision and a plan.]

Of course, not every decision involves all such steps or necessarily in this particular order, but I hope the general process is clear: we move from an idea, to an intention, to a decision, to a plan, and finally to action.

Moreover, we tend in natural speech and thought, to include plenty of 'loopholes' in our (apparent) decisions. For example:

• "I really ought to go and see my parents" is not yet a decision, merely a recognition that I ought to do so.
• "I really must lose some weight" is not yet a decision; saying you 'must' is merely a strong way of saying this is a good idea, but it's not yet a decision.
• "I think I'll get some work done on my project today" is not yet a decision, as it's merely stating that you're thinking about doing some work on the project today.

Now you may think that I'm being terribly picky about such small words, as we all know what these phrases mean. The trouble is, that's true. We all know - including ourselves - that these are the kind of things we say to sound like we're making a decision, when inwardly we know full well that we have no real intention of following through on them!

And yet we still wonder why these 'decisions' don't convert into actions, and probably beat ourselves up for having so little self-discipline. But actually, we had never decided to do any of them in the first place.

So, let's be honest with ourselves. Next time you hear someone - or, more importantly, yourself - use phrases like those above, you might wonder whether what is voiced is just a good idea, or an intention, or whether it is actually an 'I'm-going-to-do-this' decision. They are not the same!

Of course, there are many good ideas around, and we all know that 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'; it may also have some bearing on why some 'decisions to follow Christ' don't get very far ...

Do you trust yourself?

Trust comes from repeated experience. The more times we experience someone else following through on their promises, etc., the more we come to trust them. Equally, when we experience them not doing what they said they would do, trust quickly evaporates.

Has it ever occurred to you that this applies to yourself? I don't mean how others see you, but it applies in how you see yourself!

Think of all those times you have said to yourself "I'll do that tomorrow" but not done it, or "I really am going to cut down on eating junk food" but not followed through. Well if you heard someone else coming out with all these fine sounding but empty promises, would you trust them over such matters? Me neither!

So it's not very surprising if we end up not trusting ourselves...

At the very same moment as we are saying "I'll do that tomorrow", there is another, quieter, voice in our head saying something like "that'll never happen", or "who do you think you are kidding?". And very soon we don't believe a word we say. Empty words, empty promises, from an untrustworthy character - the person in the mirror! You may fool others some of the time, but will you really fool yourself?

So, along with losing trust in oneself, self-esteem also goes out of the window. You look at yourself and see a person whose word means nothing. No-one else believes you, and you don't even believe yourself.

Do you know how to regain trust in yourself?

Trust grows, albeit slowly, from repeated experience that someone is trustworthy. So, if you were to follow through on something you said you'd do, that is the beginning. Hence it is much better for us to say we'll do something really small and achieve it, than to say we'll do something much more significant and fail to reach it. For example, it's better to decide to do 2 hours work today and achieve that, than to say we'll do 8 hours work but only manage 6 hours. The first builds trust, as we followed through on what we'd said we'd do; the latter destroys trust as we didn't achieve what we said ... despite actually having done more work!

Of course, if doing just 2 hours work isn't really a challenge, then the trust built is very small; a promise fulfilled, but not a promise of very much.

But if your self-esteem is low and you don't believe much that you say, then starting with really small steps makes sense. And if you are not really intending to follow through (however good an idea it might be) then it's much better not to say you'll do it in the first place.

But this involves a ruthless commitment to honesty. Say what you are doing to do; don't say what you are not going to do!

And gradually you will come to trust the speaker - yourself. And so will others, as, in time you are seen to be a person of your word, who says what they mean, and means what they say.

Not salvation, but still a useful turn around!

Do what makes you anxious, not what makes you depressed

Many times a day, probably without even noticing it, we face a repeated choice: to tackle something new or to avoid it; to take on something that we aren't sure we can do, or to stay with the safe limits of the familiar; to go forward or to stay secure.

In fact, we almost certainly have a general 'stance' in life, a strong tendency towards one or pole or the other: to risk moving forward despite being unsure of the outcome, or to stay with what we already know.

Some examples:

• will we talk to that stranger who we'd like to get to know, or not?
• will we try a new task on the computer we haven't attempted before and we're not sure we can do, or will we ask someone else to do it?
• will we push ourselves to the limit in the test we are taking and find out what we can really achieve? or will we settle for a safe 'good enough'?

There are pros and cons for both stances.

Those who remain within known boundaries value security and familiarity, and within these bounds feel safe, comfortable and confident. However, in time they may also feel bored, that they are not growing, are not being challenged, are not learning anything new. Safety may well turn in time to low self-esteem and perhaps even to depression (2).

Those who are inclined towards tacking new things, stretching themselves, even laying themselves on the line in some way, learn more about themselves and the world, but will also sometimes make a fool of themselves and are likely to be familiar with failing from time to time. They are also very likely to feel a degree of anxiety: can they do this? will they succeed or fail? For any time we attempt something new there is a degree of anxiety, of risk of failing.

But in time anxiety leads to growth, to new learning and skills, and also to greater confidence - a confidence not based on a brittle self-concept of 'safe success', but on the deeper knowledge that we can survive, even grow, through failure. (See my post: 'In praise of failure'.)

At bottom, the choice is between stretching ourselves and growing, or staying safe and stagnating; choosing between doing things that make us anxious and doing things that may in time lead to depression.

There is something to bear in mind about the degree of risk to take: the key principle being to take small, manageable risks - to experience some anxiety but not overwhelming panic. So if you are of a cautious predisposition, take small 'baby steps' of risk until you gain enough confidence to take bigger steps. But if you are awaiting a time when you won't feel anxious before taking some new step, you will wait forever!

Choose to do what makes you anxious, but don't do what will make you depressed.

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(1) Title: quote attributed to James Lincoln Collier
(2) I don't mean to imply that everyone who is depressed has been down this path; there are other reasons why people get depressed. But when avoidant behaviour becomes a repeated pattern, then it is a good 'recipe' for depression.