Many times a day, probably without even noticing it, we face a repeated choice: to tackle something new or to avoid it; to take on something that we aren't sure we can do, or to stay with the safe limits of the familiar; to go forward or to stay secure.
In fact, we almost certainly have a general 'stance' in life, a strong tendency towards one or pole or the other: to risk moving forward despite being unsure of the outcome, or to stay with what we already know.
Some examples:
- will we talk to that stranger who we'd like to get to know, or not?
- will we try a new task on the computer we haven't attempted before and we're not sure we can do, or will we ask someone else to do it?
- will we push ourselves to the limit in the test we are taking and find out what we can really achieve? or will we settle for a safe 'good enough'?
There are pros and cons for both stances.
Those who remain within known boundaries value security and familiarity, and within these bounds feel safe, comfortable and confident. However, in time they may also feel bored, that they are not growing, are not being challenged, are not learning anything new. Safety may well turn in time to low self-esteem and perhaps even to depression (2).
Those who are inclined towards tacking new things, stretching themselves, even laying themselves on the line in some way, learn more about themselves and the world, but will also sometimes make a fool of themselves and are likely to be familiar with failing from time to time. They are also very likely to feel a degree of anxiety: can they do this? will they succeed or fail? For any time we attempt something new there is a degree of anxiety, of risk of failing.
But in time anxiety leads to growth, to new learning and skills, and also to greater confidence - a confidence not based on a brittle self-concept of 'safe success', but on the deeper knowledge that we can survive, even grow, through failure. (See my post: 'In praise of failure'.)
At bottom, the choice is between stretching ourselves and growing, or staying safe and stagnating; choosing between doing things that make us anxious and doing things that may in time lead to depression.
There is something to bear in mind about the degree of risk to take: the key principle being to take small, manageable risks - to experience some anxiety but not overwhelming panic. So if you are of a cautious predisposition, take small 'baby steps' of risk until you gain enough confidence to take bigger steps. But if you are awaiting a time when you won't feel anxious before taking some new step, you will wait forever!
Choose to do what makes you anxious, but don't do what will make you depressed.
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(1) Title: quote attributed to James Lincoln Collier
(2) I don't mean to imply that everyone who is depressed has been down this path; there are other reasons why people get depressed. But when avoidant behaviour becomes a repeated pattern, then it is a good 'recipe' for depression.
Fashions come and fashions go. Fashions in clothing immediately come to mind - styles, colours, hem-lines. Within the realm of fashions, we may also take in particular activities that seem to arise from nowhere and then just as quickly disappear.
But have you thought of emotions as being fashionable or unfashionable? I admit that these fashions don't come and go in a single season, but think back...
In the 50s and 60s it was fashionable to be happy, carefree, frivolous and joyful - but it certainly wasn't acceptable to be depressed - the most anyone would admit to was 'feeling a bit blue'. Whereas, in the last couple of decades its become totally acceptable to respond to the question "How are you feeling?", with "Depressed!"; so much so that it sounds a bit naff to respond by saying "I'm really happy!". Equally, it is not only acceptable to be 'stressed', but if you are not stressed the implication is that you're not trying hard enough, not working hard enough; in fact you are a loser!
There are several factors in our changing use of emotional language.
National and world events are clearly influences: the 1950s were a time of (comparative) excitement and exuberance coming after the strictures of war; the 60s were full of confidence in scientific progress, and so on. Now, we are driven by money and efficiency, are cynical about whether real change is possible and shifting international power catches us (Westerners) off balance. So it would be surprising if the prevailing national mood wasn't reflected in our language.
Another influence comes from the fact that it is in the interest of huge pharmaceutical companies to medicalise our normal experience. Anti-depressants and medications for anxiety, to name but two major groups, are routinely taken by the unhappy and the worried, and not just by those who have real mental health problems. The 'pill for every ill' culture is well established!
But this also further encourages the changing meaning of emotional words. When most people say they are 'depressed' they aren't implying a clinical diagnosis of depression, merely that they are feeling unhappy, a bit down at the moment, rather discouraged or fed-up. The growing acceptability of talking about depression may be a good thing for those who really are clinically depressed, but when it is merged or confused with unhappiness we have a real problem.
It is a problem for those who really are clinically depressed, who are often assumed to be simply unhappy, for this quickly turns into: 'they should stop making such a fuss about it - everyone's depressed!'. But it is a real danger for the unhappy too, who too often don't recognise that our self-descriptive words are self-fulfilling prophecies. Describe yourself frequently enough as 'depressed' or 'stressed' when you are unhappy or busy and it's not surprising that you increasingly feel depressed or stressed.
Words have real power; we should choose them with care! The words we use of ourselves and our mood are not just descriptive, but also become prescriptive.
Happiness is much under-rated these days; it's become a childhood memory, an unfamiliar and under-used emotion. Emotions, like muscles, need exercise. Your depression and stress muscles are probably well built; what about getting some practice with satisfaction, happiness and joy?
This isn't to imply we should pretend to be happy - pretence is a slippery slope. Nor is it about denying the real sadnesses and difficulties in life. Rather it's about noticing and enjoying the (maybe small) bits of happiness that are in our daily experience already, usually unnoticed. Don't think you have any? Look closer! All the emotional colours are there in some measure - from blue to joy. Focus on those you want to develop and give those emotional muscles some practice.
Fashions are optional; we can choose to buck the trend and to 'do different'.
Lots of people, from drug companies to insurance salesmen try to sell us happiness. Why buy a lie? Why not practice and enjoy the real thing?
