The art of listening

Someone speaks, and there is:

• the context - the setting, what has come before and is expected after
• the genre - informing, chatting, story-telling, gossiping, warning, commanding
• the attitude toward the listener - threatening, encouraging, caring, concerned
• the degree of interest in or connection with others - or the degree of self-preoccupation
• the tone of voice - melodic, flat, rasping
• the volume - shouted, spoken, whispered
• the use of breath - with a gentle flow, or caught in mid-flow
• the rate of speech - in a rush to get it out, or with all the time in the world
• the quantity - straight and to the point, extensive, or rambling
• the degree of specificity - vague and evasive, or full of detail
• the emotion portrayed - calmness, joy, sadness, despair, emptiness, hope
• the degree of self displayed - very open and personal, distant and kept hidden
• the words or phrases that are emphasised or repeated - and the meaning these repetitions carry
• the tenses used - past, future, present
• the degree of agency - or passivity
• the beliefs, assumptions and worldview - threading the words together
• the underlying messages - veiled, transparent, or hitting one over the head through the meaning between the lines
• the 'ums' and 'ers' - the stutters and the chuckles
• the silences - awkward or peaceful, reflective or hesitant
• the eye contact - engaged or avoided, the glances at meaningful moments
• the facial expression - frowning, worried, a mask, open, smiling, and how these play across the face
• the body language - gesticulations, the lean of the body, the angle of the shoulders, and how these match, or do not match the spoken words
• the variability - or the lack of variability in all the above
• and what is not said.

Oh, and there are also the words themselves that are uttered.

Listen with your eyes

Most people listen with their ears, look with their eyes and speak from their mind.

Rather, listen with your eyes, look with your heart and speak from your soul.

Doing more than half the work

Here are three suggested guidelines related to helping.

They can be applied in just about any setting – practical help, offering guidance, third-world development work, Christian mission…

1. When we do for someone what they can do for themselves, we diminish them and rob them of their dignity.

• How often we demonstrate our ‘helpfulness’ by doing for others what they can do for themselves! But usually we are just demonstrating our pride and our lack of respect.
• And all we are really showing is our own neediness – our need to be ‘top dog’, our need to be needed, our need to be seen as helpful…
• We also show our lack of listening or discernment, our lack of understanding of the other person’s knowledge, skills and capabilities. And so we miss the opportunity to learn from the other and so grow ourselves.

2. Where a task is heavy and some assistance might be appreciated, we may offer to help but we shouldn’t take control; our role is to serve under their leadership; it is their task.

• Where we think we can help, there usually comes an assumption that actually we could do it better than they can. And so we say we are offering to help, but actually are offering to take over!
• But when it comes to knowing what needs to be done, who knows better – the outside ‘expert’ or the person who lives within the situation and brings a lifetime of experience to their situation?
• Just occasionally – though much less frequently that assumed – the outsider may know something that is genuinely useful. But this should be offered very tentatively and humbly, with the decision over whether to take it forward left firmly with the person whose task it is. If it is imposed it will not be adopted or owned, merely tolerated for a while.

3. Even where a person really cannot do something for themselves, don't do more than half the work, as this creates dependence and robs them of learning.

• How much easier it is to do the task for the other, rather than go through the lengthy process of working alongside someone who does not understand!
• But this merely feeds our ego, until we become bored and tire of helping and depart, leaving the other worse off than when we began.
• Rather, work together, offering your skills or understanding, but also listening and learning from the other, so that together you create something which is better than either of you could do alone.

Helping is a difficult task, and not often encountered.