There's much more to forgiveness than meets the eye

We all know that it is good to forgive people for their minor misdemeanours against us, and we expect them to do the same in return; this smoothes family and social relationships. After all, we are all fallible human beings and sometimes say or do things we regret. Forgiveness is a good means of dealing with this side of life.

But in the Biblical view, there is much more to forgiveness than that. In fact, if you have at some point been badly wounded by some very difficult circumstance, trauma or abuse, then you may find this topic challenging and difficult to hear. Please read on, if you choose to do so, with care.

While we probably find it possible to forgive others' minor actions, it becomes much more difficult when we have been badly wronged and emotionally wounded. Unfortunately, the Bible makes no such distinction according to how severe the transgression, and tells us to forgive others nonetheless: "…if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11v25)

In fact, Jesus in the Lord's Prayer teaches his followers to pray: "Forgive us our sins, for we forgive everyone who sins against us" (Luke 11v4). If we will not forgive those who have wronged us, then God cannot forgive us either! It's not that God is reluctant to forgive us - far from it, for he longs to! - but rather he cannot deal with those areas of our lives, such as unforgiveness, that we hold onto tightly and will not put into his hands.

So, is the Bible seriously saying that we should forgive people if they have badly hurt us, even abused us or tortured us? And even if they are not repentant? Our natural response is to say, "Surely this is not fair; surely it is letting them off the hook and letting them go free! Surely God is just and will punish evil-doers?"

Well, that is the point: God is just, and will punish all who sin and do not turn to him in repentance - but justice is in God's hands and not ours. We are to forgive, to hold no claim, not even a grudge. As far as we are concerned, we are to let the perpetrator go free!

But why? Because this isn't just about letting the perpetrator off the hook, it's also about letting ourselves off the hook - the hook of bitterness, woundedness, of victimhood. It's about letting ourselves go free; it's about giving no scope for the devil to work evil in our lives through what has happened - leaving no room for anger, for revenge, or for resulting sickness of body or spirit.

So what about the perpetrator? They are, and always were, in God's hands, and God's alone; he is both loving and just and will decide that person's fate. Note that this is not simply saying 'you don't have to take revenge because God will do it for you'! Rather, it is leaving the outcome up to God, the ultimate and just Judge who has the power of eternal life and eternal death in his hands, but who will also forgive the vilest offender who truly repents.

But how do we actually do this? How do we let go of the hurt, anger and bitterness that are left after we have been badly hurt? How can we forgive?

We may feel that we cannot forgive, but the Bible doesn't accept this, asserting that we have a choice over whether to forgive. It reminds us that we are all sinners in need of forgiveness, and Jesus has forgiven us much more than we will ever need to forgive another person.

But this is not to imply that any of this is easy; it is likely to involve a real, and probably prolonged, struggle. In the midst of such a struggle, the best way forward is to pray, "Lord, please help me forgive and put this into your hands".

When we are able to put this all into God's hands, then God can also work his healing in us - restoring us mentally, emotionally, psychologically and physically - freeing us and making us whole again; a work that only God can do!

Being true to our feelings?

We talk about 'being true to our feelings' as if to do so is to be 'honest', 'authentic', 'natural', to really 'be ourselves'. There is an implicit but clear notion that this is good and should be encouraged.

Working as a counsellor I am certainly interested in people's feelings; these give information and meaning to bald facts about a person and their behaviour. But the common assumption is that feelings are neither good nor bad, right or wrong - they 'just are'.

For example, if I feel hurt after a confrontation, we tend not to make judgements about whether it was right or wrong to feel hurt; we are more likely to ask what it was that hurt, or to agree that it was quite natural to feel hurt after such a bruising encounter.

But this is to overlook the great degree to which our thinking influences - even begets - our feelings. And our thinking is, in turn, heavily influenced by societal norms and our own worldview.

So, returning to my simple example, it may be that I am hurt because some uncomfortable truth about me is brought to light in the confrontation, and I think, "who do they think they are to pass judgement upon me?". So it is my pride that is hurt.

But from a Christian perspective, my sinful proud nature has been revealed. My feeling of hurt was a further outworking of this sin. A more Godly response would have been to admit my arrogance, humbly take it to God and to praise Him that He loves me nonetheless. So, not hurt, but gratitude to the other person for speaking the truth, and to God for His forgiveness!

So, it turns out that feelings, far from being neutral or 'just being whatever they are', reveal our (usually sinful) nature.

A blunter way of saying this would be: thank God that I am not being really true to my feelings - for otherwise I too would be a thief, a murderer, a tyrant.

What about you?

Not knowing when to stop

We human beings seem to find it impossibly hard to know when to stop. We cannot identify the point in time when enough is enough - except with hindsight!

For example:

• the banks lending mortgages to those who couldn't afford to repay, and eventually going bust
• people seeking sexual gratification in more and more extreme ways, and wrecking their relationships and reputation along the way
• a 'rogue trader' betting on the stock market and jeopardising the very survival of their firm
• the gambler, drinker, smoker or drug addict not knowing when it's time to quit, until it's too late
• an elderly person not letting go of some independence to accept needed care, and ending up having decisions taken out of their hands when the inevitable crisis arises
• all of us continuing to emit greenhouse gases, and causing irreparable damage to the world's climate.

They are all forms of addiction - for money, excitement, control, independence - and they thrive on the fantasies:

• that we are wiser than we actually are
• that we will be able to spot some point in the future when it's time to stop
• that we can always change our minds later, if or when we need to
• or blind optimism that 'something will turn up' or that a solution is 'just around the corner'.

We are just not very good at knowing when enough is enough.

You may not be a rogue trader or a problem drinker, and so dismiss the gross examples above as not applying to you. But for the same reasons we all put off saying to God, "we've sinned, please have mercy on us!", thinking that we can always get right with Him at some (indeterminate) future time, 'before it's too late'.

Umm. Really?

The Bible says:
“All people are like grass,
and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”
(Isaiah 40 v6-8, NIV)

The difficult act of seeking forgiveness

Imagine two people...

The first has no thought of sin, treating it lightly and seeing little need for forgiveness. True, from time to time he behaves in such a way that even he is momentarily disgusted with his own behaviour and so makes excuses, or perhaps admits an to 'error of judgement' or even offers an oblique apology.

The second person knows she needs forgiveness but finds it so hard to accept. She knows that God has made a name for himself as being good at forgiving people. He's had plenty of practice and it appears to come easily to him; in fact he even seems able to forgive really nasty people. But where the problem arises is in her willingness to forgive herself. It's exactly here that she trips over God's apparently poor judgement in matters of forgiveness: she asks for forgiveness and Jesus looks her in the eye and gently says, "I can forgive you", but then she finds she cannot forgive herself! Forgiveness sought, offered, but not accepted...

These two meet at Calvary, and at the foot of the cross both find their answer there, in Jesus' outstretched arms.

The first person sees a brutalised man, bloodied and bruised, dying on a cross. Not the kind of scene that he usually entertains, yet he cannot turn his eyes away. Looking into Jesus' eyes, the gaze is returned and the pain and hurt he has caused by his own drunken actions runs before his eyes, the shocking poverty of his global-neighbour resulting from his own unthinking greed is exposed, and he is appalled at his own inner emptiness, selfishness and sin. He looks again and sees Jesus' outstretched arms, not so much nailed to the cross as holding all his sin in the palm of his hands, and offering forgiveness. He falls on his knees...

The second person knew about the cross, but had not been there in person before. God may be very good at forgiving, she thought, but she found it so very hard! She had prayed for forgiveness, yet still held onto the guilt; she longed to be at peace, but remained deeply troubled; she longed to let go, but still chided herself for what she had done.

But then she looked up at the person on the cross and their eyes met. He seemed to be saying, "Is it really so easy for me to forgive? Do you really think my standards are lower than yours? Yet I do forgive you. Will you now forgive yourself?" And she is drawn to his outstretched arms, inviting her, and knew then that he had done all that was needed there on the cross. She knew she was loved, precious and that her sin had been completely dealt with; that she was forgiven!

They met at Calvary, and at the foot of the cross both found their answer there, in Jesus' outstretched arms.