What is love?

Christmas is supposed to be a time for sharing, for giving, for getting together, and for peace and love.  And there are plenty of romantic, feel-good movies to watch on television to get us into the mood.

Working as a counsellor, I also know that too often it is a time of loneliness, stress and family strife.

While we like the romantic ideal of togetherness and harmony, we also know that it is 'not real life', that love is not measured in tinsel or by the price of a present, and that everything returns to normal within a very few days.

Here is the real message of love at Christmas: that, while people were greedy, selfish, divided and warring, the loving God sent his son Jesus into the world to freely offer peace, joy, total fulfilment and eternal life to all who would accept it.

It wasn't romantic: the stable was smelly, Mary and Joseph were poor, and they had to become refugees as they fled in fear of their lives.  And there was no feel-good ending - for it led to a painful and bloody death on a cross.

But it was an act of total love, giving everything for us, who did not, and do not, deserve it!

Love your neighbour as yourself

Jesus said that the second most important command was to "Love your neighbour as yourself" (Matthew 22 v39, quoting Leviticus 19 v18), as if loving ourselves was the most natural thing in the world and this clearly explained how we should go about loving our neighbours.

It's true that most people tend to eat when they are hungry, warm themselves when they are cold, seek security when they are fearful, etc. But is Jesus simply saying that loving our neighbour involves feeding or warming others when they're are hungry or cold, and offering security when they are afraid?

Moreover, working as a counsellor, I sometimes talk with people who self-harm, have eating disorders, or feel suicidal - people who appear not to know how to love themselves, let alone love others. Even those who don't struggle with such problems frequently behave in ways that are likely to leave them wounded - through the misuse of sex, alcohol or just leading an unhealthy lifestyle. In fact, when it comes down to it, all of us behave in ways that are selfish or self-damaging in various ways. And this isn't loving ourselves - it's love gone wrong, turned into greed or self-worship.

So do any of us really know what it is to love ourselves?

There is more to Jesus' command than simple advice to 'do as you would be done by', which, in the minds of many people is just seen as 'be nice to others in the hope that they'll be nice back', or is sometimes expressed as 'what goes around, comes around'.

Perhaps we need to understand more about love? What did Jesus mean when he said we should love both our neighbours and ourselves?

I drew a distinction between worldly and Godly views of love in one of my earliest posts - Whatever you do, don't love me - but we should look at that wonderful description of Christian love in the Bible to get a clear insight into what it is to love someone.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13 v4-7)

This is proactive love - actively seeking ways to do good to our neighbour; it is much more than merely being nice to people.

Perhaps it is also then an instruction into how we should go about loving ourselves as well as our neighbour? Are we patient and kind towards ourselves? Do we let go of our anger and our grudges - even those we hold towards ourselves? Are we honest with ourselves? Do we forgive ourselves, protect ourselves? Do we trust ourselves - or do we try to deceive ourselves? Do we keep hoping and persevering, trusting that God will bring his good work in us to completion?

If we actively love ourselves in this way - knowing God first loved us - we may also become better at loving our neighbour.

Specialist Christians, specialist churches

In the city near to where I live there is a church that's well known for its Bible teaching; it attracts a good crowd of intelligent, thinking Christians. There is also a church that has become known for being charismatic, and the spirit-filled Christians go there. There's a church that is superb at reaching people who have no prior church background, and offers a great welcome and a message that is understandable to newcomers.

There is the church that has beautiful music, the one that is full of young families, the one with great youth work and the one that has an older congregation.

So it is that, as people become Christians or move into the area, that they look for the church that feels most comfortable to them, according to whether they are a new Christian, a young family, want a particular emphasis on the Bible, or the Spirit, etc.

What were probably once minor differences of emphasis in this way grow over time into full-blown specialisms. The differences, nay the gulf, between the churches grow and we propagate a generation of specialist Christians - all experts in their chosen field, relating to and learning from other like-minded people.

The only problem with all of this is that it's not God's model of church! This is a consumerist approach to church.

What's wrong with that, some will say? Knowledge and learning in each field grows, and we attract people into churches that are easily accessible to those of different persuasions.

Well, here are some of the things that are wrong with this way of doing church:

• We teach Christians that relating to others who are different in some way is beyond what the church can accomplish
• We are all impoverished by the lack of any balance and roundedness to our knowledge and Christian understanding and experience, and come to imagine God in our own narrow likeness
• We don't experience the joint worship and witness of Christians of all ages and persuasions, of all backgrounds and levels of maturity coming together in love for one another to worship and magnify the One God, our Lord
• We develop a wariness of churches with a different slant, largely out of ignorance arising from lack of exposure to other Christian traditions
• We become commuter-Christians, travelling to and from our chosen church, rather than a local community of Christians, living shoulder to shoulder, accountable to one another, and providing a united witness in our neighbourhood
• We disobey Jesus' command that Christians be united, and come to disbelieve that this is even possible, assuming that this splitting is the natural order of things, the way they have always been
• We rob the church of the power that comes from Christian unity, undermining our witness and demonstrating a worldly attitude which non-Christians can see, along with the hypocrisy of our words of love which are not lived out in practice
• And the church, both locally and world-wide, fragments
• And the devil laughs.

Compulsory faith?

There are many religions where faith is not a matter of personal choice. It is either a matter of following the cultural norms or of coerced acceptance. This is common in many parts of the world, but in most nations nowadays this doesn't apply to Christianity, though it has in times past and still does in some places. But I assert that this is anathema to the Gospel of Christ.

Let's start with considering compulsory religion

Some religions take the stance that it's better to compel a person, for the sake of their eternal soul, to hold to a faith; participation is not just expected, but the consequences of deciding one doesn’t believe can be literally life threatening. But while you can compel an outward adherence to a required set of behaviours, you cannot proscribe a person's thoughts or state of heart. So, I can only make any sense of such a religion if it is based on maintaining outward behavioural standards: "keep these rules and you will be saved, regardless of your thoughts or the inclinations of your heart".

How different was Jesus’ approach!

For some reason Jesus did not take the route of compulsion or coercion. He took it upon himself to come to Earth as a human being to tell people about God the Father’s saving love. And not just to tell them, but to demonstrate servant-heartedness, dying in the place of those who were at best misunderstanding, and at worst disinterested or disbelieving.

When you look at His life, it was lived out as an example of service and sacrifice, not of power (at least, not as usually conceived by human beings). His life and words were certainly challenging, but there was no ‘take over’, no hard sell, no manipulation, no compulsion – merely an offer that each one could take or leave. No robbing people of their personal responsibility.

But why, given that He said the consequence of our decision was either eternal life or eternal separation from God? Why is personal responsibility so important to God, when He, of all Beings, could certainly compel?

The answer lies in the nature of love, for God is love. Love includes giving people the freedom to make up their own mind, to turn away from Him, and sadly many do!

Compulsory faith is a contradiction in terms.

Implications for Christian mission

It’s been said that ‘mission is seeing what God is doing and joining in’. So, Christians involved in mission - and how can you be a Christian and not be involved? - have an example to follow in Christ's life. We are to tell people about God’s love and demonstrate this through a life of sacrificial service. Our responsibility is to inform and to show by example, but never to force.

Are we really content to leave each person to freely make up their own mind, or are we tempted to go beyond that and add subtle manipulations, incentives or veiled threats?

Even where the pressure is more informal - a cultural expectation of compliance - then it becomes hard for people to distinguish a personal belief from merely conforming with others. Many 'Christian countries' will have fallen into this position. If the great majority go to church, where is the personal challenge to consider one's own faith as we go along with the crowd?

Love demands giving those we love the freedom to say "no". Otherwise we are exerting power, which puts us 'over' the other and is the opposite of servant-hearted love.

However, we should be clear that when others reject our loving approach, it is not simply a matter of saying to ourselves: "Well it's up to you; now I've done my job". It also leaves us open to the deep pain of others choosing to go their own way and reject Christ - a grief that is shared with Christ Himself.

So, be very wary when you see people of whatever religion - including Christians - trying to force others to believe. That is not of God; it's not His way.

The power of Christian unity

Jesus was uncompromising about unity; it was even a central point in his prayer for all Christians: "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me", (John 17v23).  So, what does Christian unity mean?

Does unity mean doing what Christians do today - getting together only with people of like mind?  No, for this has resulted in literally thousands of Christian denominations, with more being formed all the time as groups fall out over some new distinction or issue so 'important' that a further split is necessary.

Nor does Christian unity mean remaining in our little silo, whilst attempting to have 'friendly discussions and occasional shared events' with the Christians in a neighbouring silo; talking with them on occasion but returning immediately to the security of our own ghetto.

Friends, this is not protecting the precious truth of the Gospel from the latest error or heresy - this is focusing on our differences when we should be focusing on our Lord.  And the Devil laughs in delight!  And everyone sees the hypocrisy.

It means remaining in fellowship and loving relationships with those with whom we don't necessarily agree.  It means costly loving relationships that transcend differences in preferences, culture and theological understandings. It means demonstrating Christ's love through Christians loving other Christians!  Now there's a radical idea.

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I am reminded of a poem I like:

Outwitted

He drew a circle that shut me out -
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in.

Edwin Markham (1913)

But does it work?

People flock to where the action is, not to where the talking is.

Considering Jesus' message was about forgiveness for sins and eternal salvation, have you ever wondered why he did so many miracles? What did healing people, stilling a storm, or even turning water into wine have to do with forgiveness or salvation?

Jesus was interested in and met the real needs of the ordinary people who surrounded him - for healing, for acceptance, for love. Sometimes a miracle, sometimes a loving look, sometimes taking a person by the hand.

People flocked to him because they knew that what he did worked! Not just fancy words, but actions that worked, that made a practical difference.

Nowadays still, people flock to where the action is - where their needs will be met. If the local pub offers friendship and belonging, is it any wonder that people go there? If the lottery offers hope, people who are short on hope will queue up there. If the local medium or spiritual healer offers answers or cures, people will go there.

If the local church is all talk and theological arguments, who needs that? Plenty of words but nothing that works - who wants to queue up for that? (And don't respond by saying that people's deepest need is for salvation.  If that's not where people are currently at, that's not the place to begin. Jesus didn't make that mistake.)

I'm not preaching a social gospel or salvation by works, but Christianity isn't first about getting the theology right, it's about getting the loving right. Get the loving right - and then people will be interested in the message. It's not the other way around! Jesus knew this.

We may not be doing regular feeding-the-five-thousand and raising-the-dead miracles, but practical loving in the name of Jesus, meeting people's needs: those are conspicuous miracles in our greedy and selfish world.

Where do you draw that boundary?

Probably without thinking much about it, we all carry in our minds ways in which we judge others to be 'like us', or 'not like us', no doubt with a grey area in the middle of 'people who are somewhat like us'.

What interests me is how very differently people make this judgement - whether their definitions of 'like me' are very narrow, or very inclusive - and the reasons that may be behind this difference.

For some, 'like me' means only those who support the same team, or (in case you think I am stereotyping sports fans) just people who have the same lifestyle or educational background, or share the same theological outlook. After all, this seems like a good way of maintaining a sense of personal security: by avoiding much difference and thus potential awkwardness.

Of course, this is also a handy shortcut to deciding whether it is worth striking up a conversation with this other person, or considering the potential of friendship with them, or even caring what happens to them at all. If they support the wrong team, come from a different background or are from the wrong side of the spiritual tracks, then there's little point wasting any effort on them. They can live in their world and I can live in mine.

There are at least two problems with this: it's a lousy strategy for building your personal sense of security, and, secondly, like it or not, we actually live in the same world.

From time to time, though not often, I admit, I meet people who seem able to relate to others who are very different to themselves, and do so very easily and naturally. They are interested in people from quite different lifestyle, cultural and spiritual backgrounds. How do they do this? Sometimes it looks like they are 'making an effort' to relate, but there are definitely some people for whom this comes naturally - they are open, curious, genuinely interested. And they tend to be people who are very secure in themselves.

It takes a considerable degree of security to relate comfortably to people who are very different to ourselves, to stay with the discomfort and to not feel somewhat threatened.

It is said of the Christian church that it is one of the few places where people of very different backgrounds come together as one, and there is some real truth in this. But Christians don't have a monopoly on personal security: there are people of other faiths or none who care deeply for others and about world issues and live this out in practical ways in their daily lives. And, sadly, there are Christians who cannot relate even to those from other branches of the Christian faith!

There's no surprise that Christians can be insecure, lacking in love or immature. In short, we're sinful; we are forgiven sinners and no more. But we are urged in the scriptures to 'Love your neighbour as yourself' (Mark 12v31) - which Jesus said was the second most important command of all - and it is made very clear that the call to reach out to 'our neighbour' is to reach well beyond just 'people like us', as the parable of the Good Samaritan makes clear (Luke 10v23f).

It's easy to love and deal decently with people like us. But if we draw tight boundaries around those we feel are like us, then it's time to get on our knees and seek forgiveness, and to ask the Lord to increase the love in our hearts. Growing in love is synonymous with expanding the boundaries of those who we consider like us.

Where do you draw that boundary? Honestly?

If you really want to grow in love and personal security, don't wait until you feel more loving or secure! Get some Godly practice in reaching out to people who are not so like yourself. It'll take some effort and probably won't come naturally at all; you'll need to ask for God's help.

But He's good at this, and by his grace you'll get better at it. And a greater sense of personal security will, in time, follow. And your heart will beat with Jesus' love.

Whatever you do, don't love me

Please tell me you love me and be nice to me. Tell me that you care, and that you'll look after me. Please tell me that I couldn't help it and it wasn't my fault; please take responsibility for me. Shield me, pamper me, and say that we're in love. Make me the centre of your world, hang on my words and worship the ground on which I walk.  Give me the good life, a little bit of what I like, and why not just a bit more? Say that it's okay for me to have it all now and not have to wait.

Please offer me everything and tell me I'm special - simply at the cost of my soul.

But, whatever you do, don't actually love me. Don't confront me with my many failings, however gently. Don't ask me to take responsibility for my actions, or let me go through struggles or difficult times in order that I grow up.  Don't ask me to commit or expect anything in return. Don't tell me that I've hurt you, or let me know how costly love is. Don't tell me I'm loved and precious when this says nothing about me, but all about you.

Don't ask that I give myself entirely - or I might have peace, and joy, and life.

Love is a choice.

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I am reminded of a poem which is a favourite:

If Love

If Love should count you worthy and should deign
One day to seek your door and be your guest,
Pause! ere you draw your bolt and bid Him rest
If in your old content you would remain,
For not alone He enters, in His train
Are Angels of the mists, the lonely quest,
Dreams of the unfulfilled and unpossessed,
And sorrow and life’s immemorial pain.
He wakes desires you never may forget,
He shows you stars you never saw before,
He makes you share with him for evermore
The burden of the world’s divine regret.

How wise you were to open not and yet,
How poor if you should turn Him from your door.

by SR Lysaght