We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are

We cannot help but see the world through our own eyes - what else can we do? Yet our point of view is so familiar that we usually blind to it and so are sometimes taken aback by the difference of another's viewpoint.

At some levels this is easy to accept. Your liking certain foods or fashions that are different to my tastes, and having different interests to my own - that is easy to handle. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" we think when we are aghast that someone else could find that attractive!

But the issue cuts deeper that this. Consider our values, the things we take to be right or wrong. Now we are not talking about our taste in food or style, but our 'taste in truth'. Arghhh! - a contradiction in terms, for truth is truth is truth, surely?

And you may think that here I am becoming one of those 'woolly liberals' who are apparently prepared to accept anything and everything as equally valid. No, I'm not. But nor am I going to fall into the opposite trap of assuming that my version of the truth is the result of my perfect vision and insight! For I cannot get away from the fact that what I see in front of me is a product of my own (no-doubt-biased, partially-ignorant, completely-sinful) mind.

And I'm afraid that this is true, even when, perhaps particularly when, we come to reading the Bible. We can only see it through our own eyes, and what we see says as much about us as about the Bible.

I was struck a while back in a Bible study group when we were looking at Mark 1 v1-13. When asked what the focus of the passage was, we got the following answers:

• John the Baptist baptising Jesus (which is in v9)
• God confirming Jesus as his Son (v11)
• John telling people that Jesus was coming in order to baptise people with the Holy Spirit (v8)
• That after a time of blessing there comes a time of trial (v13).

So, what have we learned from the passage? That the first speaker notices actions, the second is concerned about identity, the third about the purpose of life, and the last has probably learnt this lesson from painful experience. And each had picked out what was relevant to them.

We can - with some validity - say that God had spoken to each one. We can also say - with some validity - that all saw but a small part and missed a very great deal.

So, what was the passage actually about? What is God telling us through this section of his Word? Which of the above answers is true? Each of the above answers contains truth. We learn not just about God, but the way we see His Word (like everything else) also tells us about ourselves.

[NB. Although there may be many right answers, some answers are wrong! For example, the passage does NOT say the Jesus is one of God's many sons, nor is this said or implied elsewhere in the Bible. So we could confidently challenge such a statement if it were made. Not everything goes!]

But it remains the case that we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

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Title is a quote from Anais Nin who, though not a heroine of mine, expressed this thought beautifully.

Doing more than half the work

Here are three suggested guidelines related to helping.

They can be applied in just about any setting – practical help, offering guidance, third-world development work, Christian mission…

1. When we do for someone what they can do for themselves, we diminish them and rob them of their dignity.

• How often we demonstrate our ‘helpfulness’ by doing for others what they can do for themselves! But usually we are just demonstrating our pride and our lack of respect.
• And all we are really showing is our own neediness – our need to be ‘top dog’, our need to be needed, our need to be seen as helpful…
• We also show our lack of listening or discernment, our lack of understanding of the other person’s knowledge, skills and capabilities. And so we miss the opportunity to learn from the other and so grow ourselves.

2. Where a task is heavy and some assistance might be appreciated, we may offer to help but we shouldn’t take control; our role is to serve under their leadership; it is their task.

• Where we think we can help, there usually comes an assumption that actually we could do it better than they can. And so we say we are offering to help, but actually are offering to take over!
• But when it comes to knowing what needs to be done, who knows better – the outside ‘expert’ or the person who lives within the situation and brings a lifetime of experience to their situation?
• Just occasionally – though much less frequently that assumed – the outsider may know something that is genuinely useful. But this should be offered very tentatively and humbly, with the decision over whether to take it forward left firmly with the person whose task it is. If it is imposed it will not be adopted or owned, merely tolerated for a while.

3. Even where a person really cannot do something for themselves, don't do more than half the work, as this creates dependence and robs them of learning.

• How much easier it is to do the task for the other, rather than go through the lengthy process of working alongside someone who does not understand!
• But this merely feeds our ego, until we become bored and tire of helping and depart, leaving the other worse off than when we began.
• Rather, work together, offering your skills or understanding, but also listening and learning from the other, so that together you create something which is better than either of you could do alone.

Helping is a difficult task, and not often encountered.

There's a small part of the world...

There is a small* part of the world where:

Too often people have lost hope
because loneliness is endemic and love is not often found
and many choose to be sex objects just in order to find closeness.

Where people worship idols,
and graven images are held in such high esteem that they are to die for,
and the main religion is materialism.

Where words are twisted and honesty is rare,
back-stabbing and character-assassination is rife
and where ‘news’ actually means gossip.

Where justice means those with the biggest bank-balance are right
Where civilisation means having a big arms industry.

Where people think they are rich, and yet they are poor
Where health means no more than the absence of illness
Where experts know everything, except about how to live.

Where people engage more with the virtual world than with reality,
because reality is too painful
and life is so bitter it's better to use alcohol and drugs to numb the mind.

It's called 'the West' or the 'Developed World'.


* ‘The West’ (the North American, European and Australasian continents plus Japan) amounts to about 22% of the world’s population. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continent and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_population

(You may be reading this in ‘The West’ and object to these generalisations if they don’t reflect your personal experience. However, even greater generalisations are used to describe the majority world: ‘poor’, ‘lazy’, ‘corrupt’, etc.)

The future is only what you make it now

We probably tend to assume that we have little control over the future. Almost by definition, we don't know what the future holds.

Except that this is largely not true. Do you want know what you'll be like as an old man or woman? Then read on...

More than anything else, we are creatures of habit. Neuroscience shows us that as we repeat certain thought patterns and behaviours we build up neural pathways in our brains to match, so that these thoughts and behaviours become more and more familiar and automatic, even to the extent that doing something different becomes difficult. This is just to say, that as we practice certain ways of thinking and behaving they become entrenched; they become our character.

So what we'll be like in the future is in fact very predictable - we will very likely be much the same as today, only more so!

A handful of simple examples:

• If I would like to be respected and have a large circle of friends in my old age, but in the present I am well practiced at telling lies and annoying people, then my dream future will probably only be that - a dream. It is much more likely that I face a lonely old age, distrusted by others...
• If I want to feel at peace and contented, but spend the present worrying and being anxious, then I'm getting better and better at worrying, but getting no practice at being content! Why do I think I'll suddenly become good at it later?
• If I want my children to be close to me as I grow older, but I only talk to them to criticise or make demands, then ... well, you can see where this is going ....

So, take a look at your life. What are you practising in the present:

• being self-centred, independent, or distant?
• taking things easy and sleeping?
• being anxious, controlling or snappy?
• working and driving yourself and others hard?
• keeping your word and being truthful?
• trusting in God and knowing his faithfulness?

This applies in the Christian faith as much as in anything else. For example: what do you do when you face a difficulty - worry or pray? Which are you practicing and getting better at? Of course, there will be unexpected events in the future, and God isn't above intervening in surprising ways. And it is possible to call on Jesus to turn you around completely - which he will if you'll let him.

If you look at yourself and where you are headed and don't like what you see, then it is not too late to change track. But the more practice you have had on your current path, the more difficult it will be to 'do different'. So, when we think 'I'll get round to it later' - as is so easy - we need to bear in mind that it will only become harder as time goes by.

So if you want to become a certain kind of person, it's high time you begin to get in some practice... The future is only what you make it now.

On saying "no"

Do you remember all those times you said "yes" to some request for help, without really stopping and thinking about it much? And then later got annoyed that you were committed to doing this thing, or found yourself ending up being much too busy?

It is said that 'If you want something done, ask a busy person'. You know how there are some people who seem to be involved in lots of things, and others who don't seem to get involved at all? Well, if you are the former, this post is for you. Let's take a closer look at the thinking and motives that may be going on here.

As a Christian I should say 'yes'

Maybe you feel that as a Christian you should be helping out, even when you don't really feel like it? After all, this is about putting others' needs before our own, isn't it?

Well, God certainly calls us to work for him, and this may well include ways that aren't high on our personal list of preferences, or that involve real sacrificial service.  But this also means that there are things he does not call us to do.  This isn't simply to say that God calls us to do good and not evil (though that is true), but that there are good things he is not calling me to do - for he has different, individually tailored, work for each person who will follow him.

There are only 24 hours in a day, and they need to be used fully in the ways God has commanded - which includes his command to rest and to take time with him... We certainly can't do everything, and God doesn't call us to do so! So what is he calling us to do, and what is he calling others to do?

Somebody's got to do it

But if God has not called you to such work, why are you doing it?  It might be because you've got hooked by the notion that someone's got to do this thing, and if no-one else is, then it better be you.

But actually, it might be that God actually doesn't need that particular thing done, and so no-one doing it really is the best outcome. Alternatively, it may be that someone else should be getting off their backside to do what God has called them to.

So, it may also be that while you are doing these things that God hasn't called you to do, you are robbing someone else of that role which is theirs!  Perhaps they remain one of the people in the background because you are always there in front, getting in the way?

Moreover, if you are busy doing something you are not called to, then you are not getting on with what he has called you to ...

It would look bad if I said no / it would look good if I said yes

Umm. I thought that pride would turn up somewhere in this topic.

There's a real need

Does a need constitute a call? I think not. There are so many needs and we cannot possibly respond to them all. Some are easy to say 'no' to, as we clearly don't have the required skills or resources; but when we could do something, does that mean we are called?

So when we helpfully, or out of a sense of Christian duty, always say 'yes', then we are spending time not doing what God has called us to do. The devil is very keen to keep us busy doing all sorts of good things, just so long as they are not what God has called us to do.

Our thinking and motives for saying 'yes' or 'no' are always complex and mixed; pride and fear are bound to be in there somewhere. So perhaps, rather than simply saying "yes", or by starting from the point of considering whether the task needs to be done, we would do better to start by asking God, "Are you calling me to do this?"

Of course, the question arises: "How do I know what God is calling me to do?". The answer lies in a close and personal walk with Jesus - which will almost certainly be squeezed out if you are always saying 'yes' to everything else...

Decisions, decisions, decisions

A decision is a decision is a decision. Right?

Wrong! A decision is a whole process in itself and we often mistake an idea or an intention for a decision.

Making a decision is a surprisingly protracted process. It involves something like this:

1. Notice an idea - someone else's idea, or an idea of our own
2. Weigh the idea; is it a good idea? a bad idea?
3. If it's a good idea, is it a practical or impractical idea? [... so far we just have an idea...]
4. If it's a practical idea, consider who might enact it; is this idea something that someone might do, or that I might actually do?
5. Do I want to do it? [... now we have a 'good idea' that I'm interested in...]
6. If I want to do it, is it just a 'good idea' or something I actually intend to do? [... now the idea may become an intention, but it's still not yet a decision...]
7. If I intend to do this, when might I do it: sometime? soon? or now? [... now we may be getting close to a decision, though if the answer to this question is 'sometime' it's still just an intention...]
8. I will do it on Thursday. [... now we have a decision!]
9. I will do it on Thursday, in the time I have before I collect the kids from school. [... and now we have a decision and a plan.]

Of course, not every decision involves all such steps or necessarily in this particular order, but I hope the general process is clear: we move from an idea, to an intention, to a decision, to a plan, and finally to action.

Moreover, we tend in natural speech and thought, to include plenty of 'loopholes' in our (apparent) decisions. For example:

• "I really ought to go and see my parents" is not yet a decision, merely a recognition that I ought to do so.
• "I really must lose some weight" is not yet a decision; saying you 'must' is merely a strong way of saying this is a good idea, but it's not yet a decision.
• "I think I'll get some work done on my project today" is not yet a decision, as it's merely stating that you're thinking about doing some work on the project today.

Now you may think that I'm being terribly picky about such small words, as we all know what these phrases mean. The trouble is, that's true. We all know - including ourselves - that these are the kind of things we say to sound like we're making a decision, when inwardly we know full well that we have no real intention of following through on them!

And yet we still wonder why these 'decisions' don't convert into actions, and probably beat ourselves up for having so little self-discipline. But actually, we had never decided to do any of them in the first place.

So, let's be honest with ourselves. Next time you hear someone - or, more importantly, yourself - use phrases like those above, you might wonder whether what is voiced is just a good idea, or an intention, or whether it is actually an 'I'm-going-to-do-this' decision. They are not the same!

Of course, there are many good ideas around, and we all know that 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'; it may also have some bearing on why some 'decisions to follow Christ' don't get very far ...

Do you trust yourself?

Trust comes from repeated experience. The more times we experience someone else following through on their promises, etc., the more we come to trust them. Equally, when we experience them not doing what they said they would do, trust quickly evaporates.

Has it ever occurred to you that this applies to yourself? I don't mean how others see you, but it applies in how you see yourself!

Think of all those times you have said to yourself "I'll do that tomorrow" but not done it, or "I really am going to cut down on eating junk food" but not followed through. Well if you heard someone else coming out with all these fine sounding but empty promises, would you trust them over such matters? Me neither!

So it's not very surprising if we end up not trusting ourselves...

At the very same moment as we are saying "I'll do that tomorrow", there is another, quieter, voice in our head saying something like "that'll never happen", or "who do you think you are kidding?". And very soon we don't believe a word we say. Empty words, empty promises, from an untrustworthy character - the person in the mirror! You may fool others some of the time, but will you really fool yourself?

So, along with losing trust in oneself, self-esteem also goes out of the window. You look at yourself and see a person whose word means nothing. No-one else believes you, and you don't even believe yourself.

Do you know how to regain trust in yourself?

Trust grows, albeit slowly, from repeated experience that someone is trustworthy. So, if you were to follow through on something you said you'd do, that is the beginning. Hence it is much better for us to say we'll do something really small and achieve it, than to say we'll do something much more significant and fail to reach it. For example, it's better to decide to do 2 hours work today and achieve that, than to say we'll do 8 hours work but only manage 6 hours. The first builds trust, as we followed through on what we'd said we'd do; the latter destroys trust as we didn't achieve what we said ... despite actually having done more work!

Of course, if doing just 2 hours work isn't really a challenge, then the trust built is very small; a promise fulfilled, but not a promise of very much.

But if your self-esteem is low and you don't believe much that you say, then starting with really small steps makes sense. And if you are not really intending to follow through (however good an idea it might be) then it's much better not to say you'll do it in the first place.

But this involves a ruthless commitment to honesty. Say what you are doing to do; don't say what you are not going to do!

And gradually you will come to trust the speaker - yourself. And so will others, as, in time you are seen to be a person of your word, who says what they mean, and means what they say.

Not salvation, but still a useful turn around!